They don’t know which side you’re on. (#317)
The Confident Leader
BOOST YOUR LEADERSHIP IN UNCERTAIN TIMES
The numbers were wrong, and Keisha needed to say so.
As CFO, giving her controller direct feedback was part of the job. She saw it as coaching. He heard it as an attack.
Her words landed as judgment, not help.
“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” – George Bernard Shaw
This Week’s Edition
Your feedback fails not because it’s wrong. It fails because they’re not sure whose side you’re on.
Clarify Your Thinking
For Keisha, she knew she needed to give feedback. She assumed her good intentions would land on their own. But the delivery conveyed something different.
We give feedback we believe is solid.
“The team needs to know how they can improve.”
But if the relationship foundation isn’t there, it lands as micromanagement or, worse, a slap on the hand.
People don’t read your actions. They read your relationship with them.
They ask: Is this person here to help me or hurt me—to make themselves look good by pointing out my failures?
Until that question is answered, no coaching lands. None.
Old Thinking: If my feedback is right, it will be heard as help.
New Thinking: The relationship foundation has to exist before the feedback can land.New Thinking: Training them is how I get my time back.
Thoughts Lead to Actions
This is a relationship failing, not a feedback failing.
You leave your feedback session wondering if you are on the same team or different teams.
That doubt settles into your leadership, and you start treating them differently. They don’t know why.
They defend instead of learning. Growth stops. They avoid you.
THE FIX:
Step 1: Be bold. Ask the question: “Do you think I’m here to help you or hurt you?”
Frame it in your own words appropriate for the relationship. The spirit of the question is the key.
If the answer isn’t a clear “help,” stop. Build the relationship first. Be specific about what you see in their potential and their growth.
Step 2: Give clean feedback. A sentence on the mistake. A paragraph on the fix. No complaint. No blame. They know you’re there to help. Now let them learn.
Keisha pulled her controller aside. “I’m here to make you better at this. I see your potential and where you’re stuck. I’m doing this so you can grow.”
Two minutes. Changed everything. The next conversation landed completely different.
Relationship first. Feedback second.
Boost Your Performance
Learn the one question that makes your feedback actually land in this week’s video.
What’s Your Opinion?
What hard conversation have you delayed because the foundation wasn’t there?
I’d love to hear it: robin.pou@robinpou.com
If you are going to be a leader, you might as well be a good one. Don’t let doubt count you out. Have a confident week!
Robin Pou, Chief Advisor and Strategist
We live to make bad leadership extinct so forward this newsletter to others who strive to be confident leaders.
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What is “The Confident Leader”?
During the Covid-19 Pandemic, I began a video series called “Panic or Plan?” It was designed to equip leaders to navigate the doubt they experienced and to rise in the confidence they needed to lead during turbulent times. It took off. I then started this newsletter to equip leaders in the same fashion each week for the doubt that crashes across the bow of their leaderSHIP.